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Aries - (March 21 - April 19)
Listen to your heart. Your lucky number is 69, Watch out for Pisces and Taurus. You are in for a surprise. Do not attempt sky diving on days that end in a "Y". You are on your way to success ever since you got that job at Jack in the Box. Nothing stands in your way now. Your next promotion will be at KFC provided you finally pass the drug test. If all goes well you will be able to buy Bud Light by the case.
Taurus - (April 20 - May 20)
There is more to life than watching TV. Get off the couch, get out of the bar. Your lucky day could be Wednesday. If confronted deny everything and just walk away. All signs are positive. Especially the HIV sign. Social advancement could be hindered by your strong B/O. I see money in your future, possibly within the year, but only if the government raises the minimum wage. If you can count to ten you will be ahead of your peers.
Gemini - (May 21 - June 20)
Watch out for baseball season. Chances look good for a large win. Member of the opposite sex will make a bet on you. Have your teeth fixed and start brushing and flossing? More than one shower per week could be harmful for your health. Try practicing the alphabet!
Cancer - (June 21 - July 22)
Stay away from table games and sports books. Smaller bets will work in your favor. I can see Aries in your future. I can also see a lot of nose hair and ear hair. By the way; while picking your nose do not flick the buggers at your TV screen.
Leo - (July 23 - Aug. 22)
A good time to stay home for a while and to let things simmer down. Baseball bets look good. So does your wife, but only to the vagrant who has been hanging around lately. Now is a good time to test your guns. Look in the barrell and pull the trigger. It is a good way to check if it is loaded.
Virgo - (Aug.23 - Sep.22)
Diversify and be selective. Last night your wife told me she loves you, she was screaming at the time. A large bet seems to be in order. Always take full odds. In order to make a fresh start you should try to save five Dollars and open a bank account. Do not eat apples until you toilet has been fixed.
Libra - (Sep.23 - Oct.22)
Make haste slowly! Your turn will come towards the end of the month. Follow up when it does. I see a trip in your future. Either San Quentin or Joliet. But do not despair. Your cellmate is actually gay which should make your stay much easier to endure. After your release things will be much brighter for you, you will actually see the sun. The numbers racket seems like a good career choice at this point.
Scorpio - (Oct.23 - Nov.21)
The Strip is not the only game in town. Try the South part of the valley. A smaller place. One that starts with an "F". The man in the black robe should be addressed as "Your Honor". After you get shaved and deloused you will be provided fresh clothing at no charge to you.
Sagittarius - (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
The race goes to the swift this month. Be flexible, make concessions. I can see foreign travel. Redecorating your place seems like a good idea. Do not run for public office. The odds are against you. Stop referring to your cousin as "honey and lovey".
Capricorn - (Dec.22 - Jan.19)
Analise before you act. Not everything people tell you is true. A good number for you is 21. Stay away from the seedy parts of town. Just because you reside in West Virginia there is no reason for you to believe you are really in paradise. Do not let the jeweller engrave the inside of your wedding band. It will lose resale value when you do.
Aquarius - (Jan.20 - Feb.19)
Being determined is not the same as being stubborn. Take your time, watch for your chance than get in there. No sports bets at all between the 25. and the 2.of July. If you are contemplating theft or fraud the hours between 6PM and 8PM will be best. The best condoms for you are the ones that light up and play "God Save The Queen" while doing it. Do not pick up hookers on the corner of Hollywood and Vine. That is my corner.
Pisces - (Feb.20 - March 20)
Keep your appointments. Stay away from downtown. Leo and Scorpio figure. If all goes as seen in the stars there could be a change in your life. If not than everything will stay as is. Take precautions, stay away from the cops and Bail Bondsmen. Remove all body hair and spray yourself with body lotion. That will keep the dogs off your scent.

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